I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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