Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
