The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
