i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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