Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
