I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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