I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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