But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
