a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
