everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
