Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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