So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Who wears a wallet chain?!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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