dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
