I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
