You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
