I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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