JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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