tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
