First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
