I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
