I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
