so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
