then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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