guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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