make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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