dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
