woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
organizing the empties. That sober.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
