my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
