guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
