Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
