her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
