i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
