I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
