We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
