i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
