I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize