if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
