Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
