just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
