my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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