Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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