My liver just broke up with me...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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