Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
