I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
