When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
