We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
