its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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