Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
