meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
