Porn is love you can see.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
