The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
