dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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