I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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