my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
