Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
