i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
