You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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