I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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