Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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