So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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