Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We left the knife in your bed.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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